Today's Jounal

My dad just got a job down in Indiana at Nestle. My parents offered to have me come live with them rent-free so I can focus on my mission goals. I've thought about living with Christine and Jason, helping out with the kids and living there rent-free too. So, today I'm continuing to pray and think about these options. I haven't gotten another job, but I really don't feel peace about taking on a full-time job. I've made new goals for myself with World Team and I really need to work on them because I've fallen behind and have gotten distracted. I'm so grateful because WT sent out a message to all it's members asking us to fast and pray for 40 days, pleading with God for more laborers and partners. Through this, I get to go to Indiana Wesleyan University to recruit students on campus - which I am so excited about! One of my passions is to get other Christians excited about the calling God has for their life. I'm hoping this will be another way to get me back in the game and refocused.

All of this, I was so excited about yesterday, but this morning I was down. Moving to Indiana means giving up my ministry in the youth group. I realized last night how much I love those kids. My desire to be involved was strengthened last night. In fact, the message was on "Desire" - desire to do great things for the Lord and desire to see the youth group grow. I love it there and I don't really feel a release to leave just yet. Not to mention, I really want to continue with my classes that I'm taking at my church. It seems the only way to do all this is to move in with Christine and Jason, but that seems a bit over-bearing because if I'm watching my nephews all the time then when could I focus on missions? Then I wondered, if I have such great ministries here, why am I moving to France? So, maybe I should move in with my parents in Indiana for part of the time to begin weaning myself off of these attachments and begin moving more in the direction of missions in France. But my heart is still so heavy for the ministry here at Radiant Church.

It's funny. The point of me being involved in all these ministries was to prepare my heart for the field and to grab more nuggets to take with me. I haven't realize how attached I've become right here. It's almost like today, the calling that's been heavy on my heart for 12 years isn't there. Is this the devil distracting me, or is it God releasing me?

Wow, to think that missions might not be my calling is really depressing. It feels so wonderful to know God is calling me to something great. We all need to know and feel that. I feel so important and significant knowing of the good works God has prepared before creation for me to do. Because of my vision for missions I've felt like I have a place in the Body of Christ. It feels good to have direction and to be a part of something big - to bring the the name of Jesus to the nations and to empower others to live out their God-given callings. That is my life purpose. That is my passion.

I guess I've let good and even great things keep me from God's best. All these involvements I have at Radiant are good - even great. But are they my final destination? Are they God's best for me? Can I see myself doing them forever? The kids I'm especially close with will graduate this year. I love the prayer team, but I'm so excited to bring that passion for prayer to France. I know God can raise up others to go and bring the good news to France, just like God released David from the burden of building the tabernacle and gave the task to his son. But I don't know of anyone else that wants to go. Believe me - I've looked. And the classes I'm taking were for the sake of gaining knowledge to take with me to the field - not to keep me from the field because I enjoy the fellowship and learning too much to move on. I certainly don't want to substitute teach forever nor live in this apartment forever.

It's tempting to sit still in all these blessings, thinking "this is it, this is my promise land." But if I don't use these blessings to do what God has given me a passion for - making His name known in all the earth - then I fear my blessings will go stale. I need to keep moving forward. I can't stay in the wilderness and be satisfied with the manna when I know there's a promise land ahead.

I guess it's ok if things look messy right now. I don't have a secure job. I'm not sure where to move. But should the Israelites have stayed in Egypt where they were financially secure? No, God called them out of their security to a desert where they had to depend daily on the Lord's provision. They had to move backwards into a desert to move forward into the promise land.

I believe I entered the desert when I gave up my secure job at HCA. I believe my church, ministries, friends, and apartment are God's manna. I believe missions is my promise land and I'm headed that way.

I think that the devil wants me to believe that I'm not called. He wants to distract me and confuse me because if he can take away my passion for missions, than I can't kindle that passion in others who God may also want to use in making His name know throughout the world. Isn't that what satan did in Jesus' wilderness too - try to temp Jesus to take the easy way out so that He wouldn't fulfill His mission to save the world? Good try satan...I'm not giving up!

If you are reading this, I ask for your prayers and ask that you may even consider giving toward this ministry. Jesus called Peter to bring in fish, but Peter couldn't do it alone. I believe Jesus is calling me to bring in fish too but I can't do it without you. There is a battle going on that I can't fight along and I need you!

Thanks so much to all of you who are already playing such a key part in this ministry. I feel so honored that you have partnered with me in this.