My mom always told me the first year of marriage would be the hardest. Our marriage counselors prepared us some, but I'm still not sure we took the plunge without really knowing the kinds of trials and struggles we would face.
After being single for 30 years (27 years for Kyle) I was pretty much set in my ways. I could do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. Up to that point, the man I trusted the most in my life was my dad. He was the one I would go to for advice about finances, how to fix my car, prayer concerns, you name it. I was accustom to the way my family did things. We plan things somewhat last minute and then often change our plans in the last second. Not so with Kyle's family. They wanted to know our Christmas plans back in October, or was it September... no actually I think it might have even been August because I'm pretty sure that was what triggered one of our disagreements (to put it nicely).
It was the weekend of Unity Fest, so it was early August, just a few weeks after being married. I remember I was supposed to have asked my family to start thinking about how they wanted to spend Christmas. I hadn't asked them yet because what if we plan something now and then come the week before Christmas we decide on something else that sounds more fun? I don't want to be locked into plans this early. Besides, what if Kellie and Mark and Christine, Jason, and the boys decide last minute they want to go to my parents or have them come here or whatever the case may be. If we decide what we're doing now, we may miss out on being able to spend Christmas (or Christmas Eve, which is a bigger deal in our family than Christmas day) with MY family - which is what I wanted. I was afraid that Kyle might not let me spend Christmas the way I wanted to.
Fear. If I can nail down one thing that caused conflict in our marriage, it was fear. All I had to do was communicate to Kyle how important it was for me to be with my family on Christmas Eve and that perhaps we could spend Christmas day with his family (which is what they prefer anyway so it worked out great). But instead of voicing my concern and desire in a loving and open-minded way, I got mad at him for wanted me to ask my family to just think about what they wanted to do for Christmas. When I finally did ask my family, my mother was stoked that I had wanted to figure it early because I think it eased her mind knowing that at some point we would make sure to include them in our Christmas plans.
That wasn't the only argument we got into that weekend. Instead of staying in a hotel with his family, Kyle and I decided to save money and camp in the most ghetto of campsites I had ever been to. Moreover, we do not seem to have good luck when we camp together because, just like on our honeymoon, we experienced yet another huge lightning storm. This time, instead of packing things up, we just jumped in our car abandoning our site to find shelter. All we ended up doing was hanging out in our car though because the rain was coming down hard making it nearly impossible to see where we were going. After it let up some, we went back to our one-person tent to spend the rest of the night. The next day I took longer to do something than had Kyle preferred and so I think having been tired from our lack of sleep, the frustration began. Our argument had to do with how we're just not used to the way the other person does things. For me, I would have preferred the hotel over camping. However, I never communicated that to Kyle because I wanted to look and be more adventurous and outdoorsy than I really am. So obviously he was going to be a little disappointed when I wimped out on wanting to camp in the rain or use a porta potty.
Often in our marriage, Kyle uses the phrase "Can we start over?" This has been a life-saver because it makes me feel like, after I've been a proud jerk, that we can just forget it and try again. He's also way more accustom to using other phrases like "I'm sorry, will you forgive me" and "I forgive you," which also have been healing words in our marriage. My parents were good at saying those things to me, but I never really developed the habit of asking them, or anyone for that matter, to forgive me. That's a tough thing to say.
I remember the first time it was I who asked first for forgiveness after a fight. I had to say to myself, "Ok, on the count of three, just say it, say 'I'm sorry, will you forgive me.'" I fought it for who knows how long before I finally said it. I found though that the leading up to it is much worse than the actually saying it, and a hundred times worse than how you feel after you've said it. In fact, I found myself feeling extremely relieved - like I had just killed the demon in me causing me to act the way I hate and inviting the Holy Spirit to flow through me causing me to act and be the person I really want to be.
Today:
Why can't I remember the sucky feeling I get when I let my pride rule over me? It's getting easier and easier to say I'm sorry but today was one of those days I found myself fighting what I knew was right. Even now, I find myself struggling to remember why I got so mad earlier today - oh that's right. Perception. Elijah had just spit up on Kyle and so Kyle made the comment "Two months ago we had a lot less responsibility, but it's worth it." What do I hear though "Life was so much easier when we didn't have a kid and when I was single, I wish things were easy like they were then." I took it personally and became furious. I tried to go for a run to burn off my steam but couldn't take it so I headed back home to hang out until he noticed how mad I was. Then he would do what he always does (even though he could just ignore me when I get mad) and ask me what's wrong. While I lingered outside in the garage, the thoughts grew worse. "He doesn't love you. You're a burden to him. You should just take Elijah and go, then he wouldn't have to deal with you two anymore." So then what is my first comment to him when he walks out the door and sees me there? "Kyle, do you just want me to take Elijah and go." If you think I caught him off guard, you'd be right. So, in front of our neighbor, who I didn't realize was standing there at the time, we began to argue about how I want his attitude to change and be thankful for the life God gave him, and how I miss-understood him because he doesn't want life to change, he was just making a comment out of frustration that he just got puked on by our son - which is becoming more and more frustrating as he can't seem to keep even one meal down. Ok well he did the other night, but it's a rare thing it seems when Elijah doesn't spit up after a meal.
Anyway, back to our argument, finally it came to a halt when Kyle was the first to say "I'm sorry, will you forgive me for my attitude? I"ll try to be more positive." I just nodded my head and picked up Elijah to feed him. How convenient - then I could postpone again the necessary "I'm sorry too, will you forgive me for attacking you and not thinking the best of you" apology I knew I needed to make. So then there I was again today, hanging out with the demons in the awful state of pride. It took longer than it has in a while, but I finally said those dreaded words "I'm sorry, will you forgive me." What do you know, I feel much better and free and now we can go out and enjoy our evening.
My parents are coming over tonight to watch Elijah so Kyle and I can go on a date. I don't think Satan wants us doing that because he knows it will enhance our marriage. Well, devil, get the hell (literally) away, because we're going out and we're going to enjoy it.
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