Starting Over

Lately I have found myself back in the old rut of the person I hate, trying to prove my point, letting pride be my guide, focusing on the negative, wishing things were different, and so on. I was at my parent's house for a week without Kyle and missed him like crazy so how come we found ourselves fighting even more this week after my return?  He drove all the way to Indiana to come and get me and we really enjoyed the ride home together, but after one day we found ourselves arguing over silly little things that just don't matter.  I've gotten to the point lately where I've just ignored and ignored the voice of God.  I know I'm doing it and it's almost like I am defiantly going against what I hear Him saying.  Why? How have I let myself drift so far from the person I want to be.  I always wanted to be that wife that encourages her husband, and the couple that everyone looks up to.  Now, I'm the one looking at other couples wondering what they do to have it so good.  Lie after lie after lie I have been believing.   Sometimes I wonder when God is going to give up on me.
Yesterday Kyle and I went to Radiant church to watch "Extremely loud and Incredibly Close" with a Pastor Lee twist.  At the end Linda Schell (Sandra Bullock) says to her son, "I went into your room and tried to think like you think... I was searching for you." Pastor Lee quoted this as though God was speaking to us.  He said that we are not too far away and that God is searching for us to come back home.
I felt like the Holy spirit was talking directly to me.  I want to make each day count and stop living for myself and start loving.
Today at gracespring, pastor Kiser spoke on the abundant life, concluding that giving up our lives to love is really where the joy and abundant life is found.  I have been so focused on what Kyle and can do for me, how if he did this or that I would be happier.  The problem is that he tries and tries and I'm not getting any happier... only more depressed and disappointed with myself.  I've been afraid to love for fear I will give more than he will or fear I won't be taken care of.  Then the Holy Spirit reminded me today to leave a debt of love and seek my reward in heaven.  So today, I'm hitting replay and getting up again.  Will I fall? Most likely.  But, like Mark Batterson said in "The Circle Maker.." falling is not failure; failing to get back up and keep trying is.